Monday 15 August 2011

Black clouds and glowing toes

I always told myself I didn't suffer with depression.  I fought it for years.  It's like the silent disease. It doesn't give you any warning either.  One day I can be perfectly happy and just getting on with life, then the next I wake up with a huge black cloud around me threatening to suffocate me.  I suppose it has always been there, I just never acknowledged it before.  The thing is, you cant see it.  I have always hidden it really well, but now it has started to seep through to everything.  I feel so alone most of the time, even though I am surrounded by people. 

Nobody really understands either.  It's a selfish, lonely, unbearable disease that makes it hard to function.  I tried tablets, they helped for a while.  I tried therapy, but I felt like I was being too self involved.  So now I just live with it.  The good days outweigh the bad, for now.  If it ever gets to the point where it takes over then I will have to do something about it.  After all, when I am under my black cloud I am really difficult to live with. 

I took Georgia over to Southampton a couple of weeks back.  She needed to have a sleep study.  I was so nervous.  It has been quiet a long time since she has had to stay in hospital overnight. 
The afternoon that we were due to leave I was rushing about trying to pack everything she may possibly need.   

It was not just the staying in hospital really.  It's also that extra hour on the ferry where I need to keep her entertained.  It cost me a fortune to get the ferry over.  Yet another expense when we struggle to even feed us all.

Georgia was so good though.  She is so well behaved, we are lucky.  She fell asleep at 7.30pm and we managed to get the monitors on her without waking her up.  I laid on a camp bed beside her cot just watching the little glow of her sats monitor through her sock.

The doctor on the ward came in to see us at 10pm.  She said she needed to listen to Georgia's heart.  Why she couldn't have done that when she was awake I will never know.  Of course, she woke her up.  Georgia was then awake until 3am.  So it was more of an awake study! 

In the morning we were both so tired.  I packed our stuff and was out of the hospital by 7.15am.  By 8am we were on the ferry, finally arriving home at 9am.  It was a long night.  But it is done now.  Thank god.

So the results have shown she will probably need her tonsils and adenoids out.  Easy for any other child.  Not for Georgia.  I keep having horrific flashes of ventilators and a little blue Georgia.  What if they try to take her off the ventilator and she has another collapse?  I know she is stronger now but I really don't want her to have to go through that again.

We have 3 appointments in September over in Southampton.  I have no idea how we are going to pay for the ferry.  We can't afford to pay our bills, let alone travel.  We have been made homeless once, I think it's soon to be on the cards again.  I don't understand how other people cope.  It's not like we go and splash out.  All our clothes have holes in them, the kids have been playing with the same toys since Christmas.  We never have a holiday, we never go out to places that require money.

Where is the help for the people that really need it?