Karma

Before Georgia was born I never thought I could love another child as much as I loved Josh.  I did find it quite hard to bond with Georgia, I felt a bit more like a nurse than a mum for a while.  I also tried very hard to not let myself get too close to her in case of the worst happening. That was impossible as she is just wonderful.

I have noticed in the last few weeks the affect that this journey has had on Josh.  He has been attention seeking, in the worst possible way.  He has been hitting us all, pinching, biting and throwing really horrendous tantrums.  Firstly, I put it down to him being 3 and acting out.  I have been looking more at myself in the last week or so and realised that it's me, all me.  I have been so 'all about Georgia' that I was starting to overlook Josh.  When people ask me how the kids are, I would say 'Georgia is doing really well'.  How awful, poor Josh. 

I am glad I have recognised it now before it is too late.  Josh and I have started to have 'special time' for an hour everyday.  This worked immediately.  He has turned back into the lovely boy he was before. 

I was worried how this would affect Georgia, as I would not be spending so much time with her.  It has done her the world of good, she has become more independent and respects Josh (and his space) much more.

Does every parent have these problems?  I seem to focus solely on what is happening at that moment and am completely blind to everything else going around me.  Josh was shouting out for time and I was, not only ignoring it but shouting back at him.  It's that bloody guilt thing again!

Sometimes I need to remember the important things.  I have managed to deal with all that Georgia has had to endure but it has been at a very high price, now I need to right the wrongs.

Rob and I have just managed to get our relationship back to some normality.  We went from one crisis to another just clinging on by our fingertips.  What we have all been through has made us stronger in the long run.

I think Georgia has been punished for all my mistakes in life.  I have done some pretty awful stuff in my time and definitely deserved some sort of karma but if I had known it would be my children that would pay the price perhaps I would have thought twice.  Thoughts like this run through my head from time to time but I can't do anything about it now, it's in the past and done with.  I can't change it.