Thursday 30 June 2011

The Pretenders

I still go to bed in my jogging bottoms.  I still keep a hairband around my wrist at night too.  It's just in case.

When Georgia was really ill, I had to be prepared to leave to go to the hospital at any time.  It's a habit I cant get out of.  I still have a bag packed for her, hanging up ready to go.

I always have enough petrol in my car to get to the hospital and back.  I always have £1.50 for the parking.

It will never go away, I am in a constantly alert, ready for anything.  I don't ever relax.  I am just a big bundle of nervous energy.  I wonder if I will ever chill out again!

Georgia laid in Intensive Care for 2 days not really seeing, or hearing.  She seemed to just be completely taken over by the pain she was in. 

I could do nothing but sit with her.  I couldn't even cuddle her as she still had so many wires. 

I knew she wasn't right.  The doctors told me that she would recover slowly and that they wanted her to go back up to the Ocean Ward. 
When it is your child, you just know.  She was still really poorly, I felt like no one was listening to me.  In fairness I understand why they didn't.  On paper she was fine.  But when I looked into her eyes, she was dying.

I went with her back up to the ward.  The nurse that was working was called Jess and we knew her very well.  She was to be Georgia's nurse for the day.  I told her my concerns.  As Jess had looked after Georgia before, she knew her and I trusted that she would know if something was wrong.  I left her in Jess' capable hand and went off for a break.

When I came back 2 hours later, Georgia had not moved.  Anyone that knows Georgia, would know that's not right.  She had not smiled since before her surgery either.  I know that no one would want to smile after heart surgery but Georgia smiled through her pain, usually. 

At 2am that morning Georgia stopped breathing.  Back in Intensive Care the Consultant was baffled as to why she was still not well.  All her statistics said she was ok.

Rob and I stayed with her until 4am then finally gave in and went to get some sleep. 

Ward rounds the next day were at 10am, we made sure we were there to hear the doctor's theories.  The consultant on that morning was Vanessa.  She had called in all of the Paediatric Consultants to come and have a look at Georgia. 

The bed was surrounded by 7 or 8 people and I just sat beside Georgia listening to them.  They discussed her for 10 minutes.  Vanessa then asked me what I thought.  I was so surprised that she wanted my opinion  I didn't really know what to say.  Being me, I just burst into tears and told them all she was not right.  There was no light left in her eyes.  It was as if she had given up.  All the fight had been taken from her.

The consultants all went off to talk and left Rob and I sitting looking at each other in fear.  What if they couldn't work out what was wrong?  What do we do then?

On top of this we had planned to travel back to the Island to visit Josh as we hadn't seen him for 2 weeks.  We had to make time for Josh too, as hard as it was to leave Georgia. 

Vanessa came over to tell us that they were going to investigate more by doing chest x-rays and a heart echo. 

I feel very indebted to Vanessa.  She had asked me my opinion, and listened to me.  She agreed that there was something wrong and was doing all she could to find out what it was.  She was aware we had planned to see Josh on this day too and told us to go. I really didn't want to leave Georgi but I really wanted to see Josh.  Honestly, I was looking forward to a normal day.  No hospital, for a while anyway.

So we kissed Georgia goodbye and walked out.  That dreaded elastic band trying to pull me back with every step.

We got into the car and started to drive to the ferry.  We were both crying. 

Playing in the car was 'I'll stand by you' by the Pretenders.  It will forever remind me of Rob, and how we both felt in that moment.  Afraid, sad, guilty for Georgia.  Excited and happy to see Josh.  United in our thoughts and feelings.

Vanessa phoned me as we got off the boat.  Georgia had stopped breathing again.  This time they couldn't pull her out of it so they had sedated her and put her back on the ventilator.  A chest X-ray showed that her lung had collapsed.

10 minutes later we were all smiles for our little boy.  For the moment we had to put Georgia to the back of our minds, as hard as that was. 

We took Josh to the beach.  Rob and I could be brilliant actors.

No comments:

Post a Comment