Shooting Stars

2 days after surgery we were asked if we wanted to be there when they lightened her sedation and took her off the ventilator.

I really didnt want to be there but if something went wrong and she was waking up and in pain I would have never forgiven myself.  We stayed.

Georgia was very fidgety even under sedation.  She had enormous amounts of morphine to keep her unconsious and out of pain but she was fighting it.  It really freaked me out to start with.  She would be really still then all of a sudden have a little wriggle about and try and lift her arms!  So when they told me they were taking the sedation down, I knew it wouldnt be long before she was awake.

There was 2 nurses and a PICU consultant doing the removal of the ventilator.  We were pre warned that she was likely not to do very well to start with due to her breathing problems.  I felt like I was in the way a bit, so I shifted round her cot so I was by her feet.  The downside of being in that position was I could see the monitor with all the stats on it. 

As Georgi started to open her eyes I went all hot.  Pure panic was starting to set in.  She was so sweaty and pale she looked like a little china doll.  She started to fight then.

She was still not totally alert, but alert enough to know there was a tube down her throat and she didn't like it.  She started to reach for it so the Consultant removed it and put an oxygen mask by her face. 

I stood there feeling totally helpless.  I watched as her sats went from 99 right down to 40 then back up to 70.  I am not really sure how my legs supported me at that point. 

Then that was it.  That easy.  The nurse told us she was stable and they would be keeping an eye on her very closely until she was fully awake. 

I dont know what I expected but when I looked over the cot at her she just stared at me.  No facial expression at all.  I think I wanted the famous smile.  She looked so sorry for herself, it was as if she were saying 'help me, I am in pain'.  I just sat next to her and held her hand. 

I know she was right there in front of me but I felt like I was grieving for her.  Maybe I was grieving for the Georgia I wanted to see again, sunny happy little baby.  I stayed with her all day, just crying silently. 

In PICU, all the parents understand.  They are all right there with you, they live your sadness, just as you live theirs.  You also live their happiness, when it happens.

At this point I missed Georgia.  I missed Josh too, he is the kind of boy that can brighten up any situation, I think he gets it from his dad.  I so wanted to come home and see him but I was so scared that something would happen to Georgia and I wouldnt be there with her.  It was so hard.

That night they covered Georgia's cot with a sheet and put a little stars light show on for her.  It was so beautiful it made me cry to watch her pained eyes following the stars as they moved.  She no longer cried, she just whimpered like a wounded animal.  I wish it had been me.