Wednesday 8 June 2011

when I'm feeling blue

I still have good and bad days.

Today is a bad day.  I don't often write when I am feeling bad.  I think I should start too, just so you can understand the different emotions we still have.

I don't understand people very well.  Why have so much bad feeling when life is so short.

I consider myself quite an easy going person.  I don't hold grudges, I don't see the point.  If you love someone, you love them completely.  Warts and all.

I miss my family being together.  It has been years now since we have all been able to be in the same room, without fighting.  Things have been said that have hurt so much that we will never be able to have the same relationship again. 

Why can't we just all get along?  Perhaps I am resigned to the fact that people treat me how they like and I just forgive them.  I don't know.

Georgia has been a bit off for the last few days.  Her breathing has got really bad and she seems to have lost her sense of balance.  She has fallen over so many times her face is covered in bruises.

I was watching her sleep last night.  Her blocked nose makes it really hard for her to sleep through the night.  It's like she has a constant cold.  Is this what she has in store for the rest of her life?

I do always try to look forward but sometimes the picture I have in my head is not what I want to see.

So she will never be a long distance runner?  So what? 
Will she be able to keep up with her friends?  Or her brother?  Probably not.  We will have to watch her struggle constantly. 

I can't help her, literally.  She wont let me.  I try to help her walk so she wont keep falling over but it annoys her.  I know this is how it will be.  She will push herself to extremes, just to feel normal.

I know there are other people far worse off, but when it is your child it is all you see.

Georgia's condition is all encompassing to me.  I have fought so hard for it not to define me, but it does.

But I won't let it define her.  She probably won't either.

I hope we can get some answers soon as to why she has this trouble with her breathing.  Sometimes it's nice to have an explanation.

Explanations are annoying me too.  Why did this happen to her?  Josh is perfectly happy and healthy with only the common cold springing up now and then.
I don't mean I want him to be ill, it's just why one and not the other?  This makes me think it is something I did.  I was the incubator for 9 months so where did I go wrong? 

The doctors told us that it just happens.  No explanation, it is just something that happens.  That's not good enough for me because it makes me feel like it must have been something I did.  It doesn't matter how many people tell me it wasn't my fault.  It will always be there in the back of my mind.

All I can do is carry on trying to make her life as happy as possible.

1 comment:

  1. It is not something you did. Nor will it ever be! Experiences shape a person. Even a little one. Georgia is a beautiful star, she is beautiful inside and out, her personality already reminds me of a certain other cheeky adorable girl I knew 25 years ago, and look how she turned out! <3 x

    ReplyDelete